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Only One Hero Can Defeat Sans The Skeleton From Five Nights At Steven's Undertale, And It's Wilford Brimley

The perfect RPG has finally been created. Skyrim has been dethroned.

Lord Waffle King, published March 5th 2018

Roleplaying games are some of the most diverse out of every genre, with RPG elements and themes spreading to and influencing almost everything these days.

Games of every type now utilize leveling and experience systems, and RPG's have graced just about every kind of story. Fantasy RPG's, sci-fi RPG's, modern day adventures with cars and guns to weirder things like Earthbound.

But every once in a while, a game comes along and switches up the genre like nothing ever before. An unprecedented adventure, with a story the likes of which you've never seen.

A revolutionary story

As early man crept from their caves and huts into the light of knowledge and literature, so too shall all whom experience the greatness that is Miitopia, for the 3DS.

Never before has a game ever reached such levels of depth and immersion. Such robust artistic value. From the moment Vegeta swore loyalty to me and pledged his blade to the cause of good, to the moment the great priest Shaquille O'Neal brought Grumpy Cat back to life in the dramatic turning point in the battle against Nicolas Cage. Nothing could prepare you for the great sacrifice Hank Hill had to make, or what becomes of Guy Fieri.

"Spoiler alert", you may say. But there's no need. For all I've mentioned is but the tip of the iceberg. I've hardly scraped the surface of this grand tale. To know "Jurassic Park" taked place in a park called "Jurassic Park" is a greater spoiler than all I've listed.

Perhaps

Miitopia is a masterfully crafted title, blending the deep, complex social sim features of Tomodachi Life with a turn-based RPG formula.

You'll get to step into the majestic world of Miitopia as yourself. Or Jack Black. Or a Minion. Or Naruto. The character selection screen is immense, spanning every possible being, living or dead, fictional or not. I can't imagine how Nintendo got the rights to all these characters. Miitopia may just well be the most expensive game ever developed.

Characters can be assigned a variety of RPG classes, ranging from simple knights and mages to scientists, chefs, and even cats. Different classes will have different abilities in combat, and different combinations of classes will be pivotal in defeating the dark lord and saving Miitopia.

Vegeta and Shaq, power couple

Where Miitopia really shines, however, is in its efficient and streamlined RPG design. In a world where every RPG is vying to be the most bloated, definitive time-sink, Miitopia stands in sharp contrast. What makes up an RPG has been deconstructed to its very core, and reassembled for convenience and a smooth play experience.

Dungeons are simultaneously sprawling, branching mazes and linear pathways that auto-scroll, boiling down the "adventuring" to simple point and click choices. Battles are fast-paced and tactical, and yet can be mostly fast-forwarded through with minimal intervention, as your team of heroes can make choices to cast spells, use abilities, or heal themselves and allies on their own. Other recovery items that are broken down to a few basic functions are easily accessible from the touch screen, and can be used on the fly at almost any point in battle.

Off to destroy Dinkleberg

Should you wish to fully explore every nook and cranny of the game, you're always free to. And yet, if you only wish to get the job done, the game can be breezed through with relative ease. The mechanics are surprisingly flexible, and allow whatever level of immersion one might prefer, giving a true sense of "roleplaying". Refreshing, for a genre that's quickly forgetting what it truly means to be an RPG.

Of course, Miitopia's greatest strengths are also its greatest weaknesses. The simple battle mechanics and dungeons that mostly play themselves take a backseat to the "Tomodachi Life" style madness unfolding on screen at any one point. Which ultimately means that the replay value is entirely dependent on how much joy you can squeeze out of forming a party of Hank Hill and his family and having them wage war on the Dark Lord Bill Dauterive.

Damn, queen

Once you've seen every ketchup bottle, banana, and tearful bonding moment between Guy Fieri and Mr. Clean, there's not much left to really see. When you've seen Hillary Clinton's face plastered to a giant demonic entity, or a "Twerky", which is a really fuckable turkey, all that's really left is the simple RPG mechanics.

There's only so much le random funnyz one can possibly bury in a game, and if you spend a little too much time getting acquainted with the people of Miitopia, you'll start to notice the jokes recycling themselves and the repetitive grind of watching Sasuke put the beat-down on bad guys for you. Once you've hit that point, it's a lot harder for the game to keep your attention.

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Would I still give it a perfect score, if I used a scoring system at all? Absolutely. There is nothing more priceless than Timmy's Dad using mad science to destroy a golem with Peter Griffin's face on it.

Maybe you disagree. Maybe you're the type that would rather play some Nazi game, where everything is hyper-realistic and there are no minorities. To you, I say, you're still wrong. Because in Miitopia, you can just make your main character Hitler anyway.

In Miitopia, everyone's fantasies are a reality. You can make the Dark Lord Shia LaBeouf, and have Alex Jones rise up to smite him. Or you could play as Bernie Sanders, and fight the Monopoly Man. There is nothing more inclusive than this game, ever, in the history of video games. An all white cast, and all black cast, a cast of all anime characters. Or just every single role, played by Jack Black.

I can't think of anyone on Earth that could possibly dislike Miitopia. And if there are any, I will personally kill them myself.