Trump Refuses To End Government Shutdown Until K. Rool Gets Nerf

Nintendo’s all-star fighting mash-up has hardly been out a month, and the game’s mechanics are already under fire. Complaints that the game is not “balanced” and not anywhere near as competitively viable as certain other past Smash games have been all over the place, raising massive shitstorms among a bunch of fucking nerds.

One of the most notable changes within the Smash formula was how heavy fighters worked. Heavy fighters have almost always been not very viable on the competitive scene, thanks to their poor speed and combo potential. Since Nintendo was adding several heavies to the mix, including Ridley and K. Rool, it was time for the heavies to have a chance to redeem themselves.

But Nintendo has pissed off some people in high places now with how powerful a certain fighter is.

Nerf immediately

The threat of a government shutdown has always loomed over the United States, thanks to the sheer incompetence, corruption, and greed in their political system. Always divided over the stupidest issues, unable to get anything done on their own without one of the many megacorporations puppeteering them or Saudis, Israelis, Russians, or Chinese lining their pockets pushing them one way or another. Never in the common interests of their own people, either.

But now that our government has come to a screeching halt, our country is being held hostage by the man at the top. And he’s got some demands. Aside from trying to smooth over his V-Buck scandal, Trump has decided that while we’re at it, we may as well tackle a few other pressing issues too. Namely, nerf K. Rool. He really, really doesn’t like K. Rool.

He HATES K. Rool

Trump, a dedicated and outspoken Wii Fit Trainer and Bayonetta main, has been campaigning on Twitter since launch for his prized main fighters to get a buff and for the bane of his existence to be nerfed. “Make Wii Fit Trainer Great Again” has been trending, as has “Make Bayonetta Great Again”.

The two female fighters, the second a bit more controversial than the first, Trump has always loved to play because they “remind him of Melania and Ivanka”. He’s gone on record stating how attractive he finds both. The characters, and his own wife and daughter. Sometimes it’s hard to figure out which he’s referring to when the topic comes up, but the uncomfortable thoughts are the same regardless.

Oh no

With no end to the government shutdown in sight, and Trump now threatening action against Japan, it looks like we’ll be entering 2019 the way we started it. On the brink of nuclear war with an Asian country.

One thing is for certain. We’re all completely fucked. One can only hope and pray that this all blows over and we’re perfectly fine for another few months, until the next thing happens and we’re fucked again, all the while skating by on thin ice while our hollow shell of a government teeters on the brink of collapse until either society collapses or we fuck this planet into oblivion.

Don’t kid yourself, there’s no other way out of this mess. We’ll drag the entire world down with us before we let this country go belly up.

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