HEARTWARMING: Man Who Preordered Every Single Animal Crossing Switch To Sell On eBay Will Piss And Shit On All Of Them To Keep Them Warm

Animal Crossing fans the world over were thrilled when Nintendo announced the official Animal Crossing New Horizons special edition Switch console.

The cute console, with its light blue and green Joy-Cons and special Animal Crossing pattern console dock, is supposed to launch alongside the game.

However, preorders were quickly sold out. Much like any limited run video game console, demand is incredibly high, and many people looking to profit off of that demand will purchase consoles in bulk to resell them.

The result is a lot of angry players that don’t get their limited run consoles, and a lot of shitheads with severely marked up consoles that no one in their right mind would pay a couple thousand for. But in this dark side of the collectible world is a little highlight.

The guy that bought all those consoles and is getting ready to sell them on eBay? He’s gonna piss all over them. He’s gonna whip his perfectly average four inch penis out and fucking hose those consoles down until they’re hot and musky with the scent of piss.

Tom Nook and all his little Nooklings are gonna have their cute little faces soaked in steaming yellow piss. The soft, creamy white finish on the dock will be stained a deep amber color, a mix of the vivid yellows and dark browns once he pisses and shits all over those consoles. He might even cum on them too.

Those consoles are gonna be sitting nice and toasty, bundled up in long, moist, serpentine coils of human shit; the boxes filled to the brim with piss like hot water in a cup of instant noodles. There might even be a few corn pieces floating around in there.

If you’re gonna be buying one of these babies off of eBay, you can rest assured knowing that your console will be happy and warm, safely insulated in its piss and shit encasement. No matter how rough FedEx is with your package, those gentle, squishy rolls of shit will cushion the goods and that fragrant, golden nectar will keep it properly moisturized.

Animal Crossing: New Horizons launches March 20th, 2020.

Wow! Ben Shapiro’s Tits Now Rival Sister’s After Stunning Impossible Whopper Binge

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper has been turning heads lately, not just with its impressive flame-broiled flavor, but also with its impressive titty-enhancing estrogen content. One of those bad boys a week will have you up a cup size in no time.

While the delicious soy-based burger has been welcomed with open arms from the many men and women of America that just want some large honkin’ boobies, some critics have raised questions about if it’s truly ethical. Flat chests matter too, after all.

But in a stunning and brave display of progressivism, well-known political commentator Ben Shapiro made a public video of him binging an impressive number of Impossible Whoppers, with his bust growing in real-time as he’d down each one.

At one point his top literally burst open, his tits swelling on camera as he’d swallow each one with an enticing, seductive gaze towards the viewer. Licking his lips after each bite, letting the ketchup and mayo drip onto his massive milkers. Typically it takes weeks or even months to feel the effect, but Ben was downing burger after burger, his body becoming more voluptuous by the second as the estrogen surged through his body.

“You want to touch them, don’t you? Well, you can’t. Because this is a video livestream, and it is physically impossible for you to touch my lactating breasts through your computer, no matter how bad you want to milk me. Sorry, facts don’t care about your feelings.” Ben teased, softly tracing lines over his protruding nipples, which looked like they’d burst from the fabric of his bra.

His dear sister, Abigail Shapiro, happened to walk in during the livestream, and the wetness between her legs could not be hidden. She immediately started to play with herself, and Ben could not resist. His penis had already shrunken up due to the estrogen coursing through his veins, but Abigail immediately tore her clothes off, and then his, and they made out and fed each other Impossible Whoppers until both of their chests had swollen to an unreal size. Then she stomped on his tiny balls and told him he made a much better woman than a man anyway, and then they had hot lesbian sex right there on the table full of Impossible Whopper wrappers, their monstrous tits smothering one another as they wrestled for dominance.

Burger King, have it your way.

Ricky Gervais, 58, Found Dead By Apparent Suicide After Completely Unrelated Roasting Of Hollywood Pedophile Elite

It’s a sad day in Hollywood. Popular comedian and host of the 2020 Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais, has passed away late Monday night. From an apparent suicide. Gervais was found hanging in his room, blindfolded, gagged, with his arms tied behind his back and his legs bound together. There were two unrelated gunshot wounds to the back of his head, which doctors ruled were already there and not the cause of death.

Ricky Gervais gave a rather scathing roast at the Golden Globes, picking on the wealthy Hollywood elite for their ties to Epstein, the rampant pedophilia and sexual harassment cases among Hollywood executives, and their ties to wealthy mega-corporations like Apple and Disney which are responsible for a number of crimes against humanity overseas. This is all completely unrelated to his tragic suicide that just happened to occur coincidentally right after.

I’m sure calling out all of Hollywood on live TV had nothing to do with it, since no one watches TV or cares about Hollywood anymore. And despite numerous people in the audience and in Hollywood as a whole having ties to Epstein, or having sexually predatory tendencies, I’m sure no one took it personally. It was all just a joke, and none of them are really pedophiles or anything. And again, completely unrelated.

It’s purely a coincidence that Leonardo DiCaprio only dates women in their teens and early 20’s. All of the Hollywood celebs and execs that have rode on Epstein’s Lolita Express? How do we know they just didn’t accidentally get matched up with him on Uber or something? I’m sure there’s explanations for all of it.

Remember to buy your Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars POP Figures. Some third-world country brown person slaved away at making it just for you. If you don’t buy it, they’re basically suffering for no reason aren’t they?

Rest in peace Ricky. Everything is okay now. You’re finally safe.

BREAKING: Trump Deploys Annoying Orange To Iran, Violating Geneva Convention And Committing Several War Crimes

World War III is now raging across the globe. There is no hope left for negotiations or peace talks. Iran is now amassing nuclear weapons, and America has made a swift effort to end the conflict before there’s any needless loss of American lives.

However, some fear that their latest move is yet another case of excessive force, as we saw during World War II with Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Trump has called for a powerful bioweapon to be used. The Annoying Orange.

The Orange has already torched several small villages, leveled a city to the ground, and slaughtered countless innocents. Including women and children. The Orange hasn’t spared a single life, except in the case of victims who would suffer greater physical and emotional pain by being left alive.

One Iranian civilian was left with their bones liquefied, writhing and gurgling screams of pain as he aspirated on his own blood, vomit, and liquefied bone matter. The Annoying Orange just laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. That’s all he ever does is laugh.

Iran is on the brink of collapse, but they’ve sworn to nuke all of their own territory to make sure The Orange goes down with them. If it escapes out into any neighboring countries, the entire world will not be safe.

Peace be upon you, Iran. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

The Witcher’s Henry Cavill: “I Hate Females And Minorities”

“The Witcher” has been a massive hit for Netflix, and fans of the game series have shown a great interest in its lead star, Henry Cavill. While gamers are often skeptic of TV or movie adaptations of video games, Cavill has proven that he’s not just taking this role seriously, but is worthy of it as well.

“I hate females and minorities. I can’t stand them. I am going to commit a hate crime right now.” Henry Cavill told us in an exclusive interview. “EA bad, gamers rise up. The Witcher is my favorite game. Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

Cavill, who is a self-proclaimed gamer, then proceeded to jump through the nearest window and punch out a random woman on the street. It was truly a pro-gamer move.

In response to the show’s amazing success, EA announced that it would make an official Skyrim TV show directed by Todd Howard that you will be forced to pay microtransactions per minute of each episode in order to keep watching. The main character will be a female minority that is also gay. Henry Cavill himself responded by saying that this was not wholesome chungus 100 and did not upvote or give them Reddit gold.

We live in a society.

Prince Philip On Loose After Release From Hospital, First Bite Victim Comes Forward

Britain’s Prince Philip was released from the hospital in time for the holidays, and was allowed to spend time with the rest of the royal family for Christmas. But they may not be spending New Years together, at least not among the living.

On Christmas morning, we got reports that one of his attendants was bitten while trying to put his Christmas socks on. You know, the ones you always get as a gift from your parents that no one actually wears? They tried to make him wear them, and he didn’t like that.

The first bite victim unfortunately could not answer any questions because their skin is now peeling off and they’re foaming at the mouth. But authorities have been struggling to contain both them and Prince Philip himself.

As of right now, we’ve yet to hear anything more from the royal family, and local law enforcement have had a hard time keeping up communication with us. But the authorities have gotten the Special Tactics and Rescue Service involved to quarantine the United Kingdom and make sure this plague doesn’t extend to any other parts of the world.

No one is quite sure what kind of unspeakable disease Prince Philip may have developed. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever unholy black magic they’ve been using to keep him alive. Maybe it has something to do with Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein sacrificing child sex slaves to Moloch. We’ll never truly know for sure.

All we know is that prayers are all we have in this darkest hour of humanity. Please God, have mercy on our souls.

Nancy Pelosi Will Pop Her Pussy On Senate Floor To Impeach Trump

Donald Trump’s impeachment has been all over the news lately. The Democrats have finally moved to impeach, and the House has ruled in favor of impeachment. There’s still the issue of pushing it through the Senate, which will prove to be tricky considering the GOP holds a majority.

But Nancy Pelosi still has one trick up her sleeve that she’s been saving for this exact moment. Her entire life has been leading up to this fateful stand-off, and she will put her entire life on the line to finish this battle. Nancy Pelosi will pop her pussy to impeach Trump.

This gorgeous brunette milf will sway the hearts and minds of the whole Senate with her body. She has been practicing for this, every day of her life. She does kegels constantly. She could peel an onion with her vagina muscles. Every Thanksgiving, she makes mashed potatoes from scratch by inserting them into her sopping wet slit.

Nancy Pelosi’s pussy doesn’t just pop, Nancy Pelosi’s pussy snaps and crackles too. She has such powerful and precise control over her muscles, she can fire projectiles from her coochie at lethal speeds. She could pitch an entire baseball game using only her cunt, and she wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Nancy Pelosi won’t just pop her pussy on the Senate floor, she currently has the articles of impeachment stored up there, and she will hand-deliver them right to the Senate. But with her vagina.

Drumpf is finally finished, once and for all. There’s no chance that he can survive this. The seven trumpets of the apocalypse have been sounded, by one mature, dark-haired angel. That’s right, Nancy quite literally blew seven trumpets with her vagina. That is how powerful she is.

This is not Orange Man’s America anymore. The future is female.

Just Because The House Voted To Impeach Trump, Doesn’t Mean The Senate Has Found A Peach Big Enough To Put Him In, Says Trump Advisor

Ever since the 2016 election, the Democrats have been pushing to get Trump impeached from office. And here we are, about to enter 2020, and they’ve finally done it. The House has ruled to impeach Trump. Orange Man is officially bad, it’s now on paper.

Or at least, that’s what the mainstream media has been pushing down everyone’s throats, with their narratives and ulterior motives. But the truth of the matter is, according to one of Trump’s advisors, that the impeachment still needs to go through the Senate. And they haven’t even found a big enough peach to put him in.

The record for the world’s largest peach only puts it at about three times the size of an average peach. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is 6’3″. There is no way he would be able to fit in it. They would need an exponentially larger peach to contain him, and at this current date nothing of that size has been found.

The resources needed to grow such a peach would be absurd, and we don’t even know if it’d even be possible. Are we really willing to spend taxpayer dollars on researching how to grow a 7 foot tall peach? Is that really what the Democrats want right now, when we should be embezzling money to Israel?

Sorry libtards, it’s just not gonna happen. Donald Trump will never be put inside a peach, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you don’t like it, we’ll ship you back over the border to California. America is Trump country now, and he is our president.

Nintendo Announces Paid Premium Subscription To Restore All Cut Pokémon From Sword And Shield

When Nintendo first announced Pokémon Sword and Shield, they were met with mixed reactions. A lot of things were changing, and not all of them seemed to be for the better. Less Pokémon, less content, seemingly the same level of graphics we’d grown to expect from a 3DS game, something just wasn’t adding up.

But there’s no longer a need to worry, Game Freak and Nintendo have just dropped some major news. All of the things they fucked up on, it’ll all be fixed as long as you pay for their new monthly premium Pokémon experience.

With the newly announced Pokémon Master Pass, players will be able to capture, train, and battle all 890+ Pokémon in the National Dex, as well as access a number of other features only available to Master Pass owners.

“We realize that many Pokémon fans are unhappy with the current experience. However, please understand that designing and animating over one thousand different models is extremely time-consuming. But with this new paid premium membership, we will be able to afford the coke and prostitutes necessary to keep studio morale up in order to make our vision possible. Please understand” Junichi Masuda, producer of Sword and Shield, told us in an exclusive interview.

While the primary benefit of unlocking the National Dex seems to be the main pull, many other quality of life additions will be made, including offering higher resolution textures, and being taken off of the government watch list for jerking off to cartoon children.

The Master Pass will be released early Spring 2020, just in time to keep you busy until the next game is announced and rushed through production for next year’s holiday season.

Mike Pence Is Not Allowed To Cum

After over a month of quiet simmering behind closed doors, Trump’s impeachment inquiries have burst out into the public, along with all of the details they’ve uncovered so far. Many are convinced that Trump’s days in office are numbered, but amid all of the noise, one odd thing has been uncovered during the last public hearing.

Mike Pence is not allowed to cum. He never has, and never will. The vice president is so anti-cumming, he doesn’t even like to look at his own penis. Whenever he has to piss, he will unzip his fly and gyrate his hips in order to flop his member out, and then urinate hands-free without looking. He is afraid to touch his own penis, and he wouldn’t even dare looking at it. He sleeps fully clothed, in a separate bed from his wife, with his arms perfectly at his sides, under a weighted blanket. This ritual began when his own mother told him he was not allowed to cum, and the ritual has been carried on by his wife when Pence was married off to her. Both his wife and his mother always check with him every morning to make sure he is still a good no cummy boy.

This was completely unprompted by any questioning, Mike Pence simply interjected during the impeachment hearing to announce that he was in fact winning No Nut November because he has never cummed in his entire life thanks to his mother. The press was baffled by this news, and pointed out a few contradictions in his story. How were his children born? Has he truly never touched his own penis? How does he wash it? Does he wash it?

Mike insisted that his children, including his son who is pictured with him above, were “blessings from God” and that his wife was capable of virgin-birth because of her devotion to God. When it comes to showering, Mike insisted that he would never have to, because it has remained clean for his entire life thanks to his chastity and resolve to remain pure. However, he claims that he has definitely poured some bleach down his pants in the shower now and then, just to burn away any sinful thoughts or urges festering in there. As just a simple, mortal man, even he is subjected to temptations now and then. But he would never want to disappoint his mother by cumming, and will always dip his penis, balls and all, into bleach to burn away his desires. Yes, the burning is something he enjoys. He says it brings him closer to God. Yes, he does also shower fully clothed as well.

Reporters were stunned by this breakthrough in the impeachment case, and the room remained silent for over twenty minutes as Pence stood proudly up on stage. The hearings for that day were adjourned, and everyone went home to think for a very long time.

We can only hope that Orange Man, who is Very Bad, is ousted from office as soon as possible. However, there have now been mutterings about what to do when Pence inevitably takes office in his place. Should he be impeached next? Or should he just be forced to cum once, just to see what all the fuss is about? Maybe it’d help him out a little, you know?

Real, ethical video game journalism