I Want To Impregnate Tulsi Gabbard

Please God, I want to impregnate Tulsi Gabbard so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.

Tulsi Gabbard is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.

She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.

I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.

God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Tulsi’s shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.

I love you, Tulsi Gabbard. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you’re up there on that debate stage talking about Syria or whatever. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Tulsi. I’m waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

6ix9ine Testifies That Light Yagami Is Kira

Infamous rapper 6ix9ine has been snitching on everyone since his trial began, naming a number of big names like Cardi B and Trippie Redd as gang members. It seems no one has been safe from his testimony.

The latest bizarre twist? 6ix9ine, full name Daniel Hernandez, has just revealed that the infamous serial killer Kira is in fact ordinary Japanese student Light Yagami, son of the chief of police.

Investigators are going over the evidence now, but the notion seems absurd. An upstanding young student with such a bright future, capable of killing massive swaths of people without ever leaving his house? The resemblance, however, does seem uncanny.

6ix9ine, who was facing over 40 years in prison, may be looking at under a year now thanks to ratting on all of his former associates. The snitching does not seem to have any end in sight, and though the judge has said that Hernandez has named enough people, he just keeps talking.

We will keep this story updated as the trial develops.

Super Mario: “So Long, Gay Amazon Rainforest!”

Fires have been raging across the Amazon rainforest, destroying one of the most precious and important ecosystems on our planet. Experts have been calling for conservation efforts to try and save it, raising money and getting in touch with politicians. But the man in charge just will not budge on the matter.

Super Mario. He just hates forest. Can’t stand them. Doesn’t want any of them. Rain forests? Fuck them. Deciduous? Fuck them too. Coniferous? Fuck them especially. Mario fucking hates forests. And he’s burning all of them down.

wahoo

Authorities have tried to stop Mario, but he’s eluded capture and killed several members of law enforcement. Scientists fear that a doomsday scenario may be approaching, and that the forest may collapse upon itself any day now if Mario isn’t stopped.

Mario is considered armed and dangerous, and it’s urged that we all leave this to the proper authorities so that no one else is hurt. It’s imperative that we all remain calm in this situation.

At the very least, we can all rest easy knowing that the Amazon is actually burning close to average of what it usually does around fire season according to NASA reports, and the rainforest does not actually provide all of Earth’s oxygen, the ocean does.

In other news, the feds have decided to stop moving forward with the Epstein case. But that’s really not all that important.

BREAKING: Epstein Didn’t Sleep In Prison Bed Before Suicide

It’s been a nonstop series of completely unpredictable twists and turns in the Epstein case up to date that literally no one could have seen coming. This incredibly high-profile case, which has been getting exactly the amount of media attention it should be getting because the media is just and unbiased with no ulterior motives, just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

While initial reports from a completely reliable, trustworthy source confirmed that Epstein died by suicide in his cell when he knelt with enough force to shatter several bones in his neck, many were unsatisfied with this report and have pushed for independent investigations.

The latest findings from one of these reports? Epstein never slept in his bed.

While Epstein’s cell contained a simple bunk bed, suitable for him and his cellmate who had been conveniently moved right before Epstein’s suicide, reports indicate that Epstein never slept in it.

Many are now wondering, what bed did Epstein sleep in last? Where is his respawn point tied to? If it was the bed on his weird pedophile sex island, that thing has probably been torched by the feds by accident when they raided the island to gather evidence and definitely not destroy any evidence. Will Epstein spawn at the default world spawn location? Will he spawn in the Clintons’ bed, or Trump’s bed?

It still remains to be seen what this discovery means for the Epstein case, but one thing is for certain. Everything was handled with utmost competence, and no corners were cut for any ulterior means. Politicians, the media, and wealthy business people definitely do not have any stakes in this very high profile case that’s been swept under the rug, and we can trust them to report things accurately.

Mothman Is Real And He’s Trying To Drug My Food With Estrogen To Make Me A Femboy Cumslut

What is a soul? What does it mean to carry on a legacy, a lineage? The deep, metaphorical themes that intertwine with the stories of our life?

Do my memories make me who I am? The way I think? The way I look? The thematic elements of my soul’s journey?

Whatever it is, Fallout 76 fucked up everything and is complete and utter dogshit.

Fallout 76 is a poorly put together shitstack cobbled out of regurgitated Bethesda assets. Bethesda does not actually know how to make games, they only know how to make one game, and Fallout 76 is a badly made version of that game.

I don’t like to beat dead horses. I don’t like to circlejerk. I didn’t want to be part of the circlejerk. I was hoping to give Fallout 76 a fair chance, I wanted to analyze it and understand its flaws. I wanted to break it down as I would any other game and judge it based on its own merits. But it’s literally just a shitty Bethesda game. All of the flaws from every Bethesda game, but now all boiled down into one big cancerous Bethesda tumor.

I was hopeful. “Massively multiplayer Fallout Battle Royale” was a good hook. It really was. I liked the idea of dicking around in a Fallout world with friends. I was actually kind of excited for it. I loved a lot of controversial installments in other franchises. The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes boils down what makes Zelda games fun into a multiplayer experience. Super Paper Mario, while not a traditional Paper Mario RPG, fully captures the charm of the Paper Mario games. Fallout 76 doesn’t really do anything for the franchise.

It doesn’t capture what makes the Fallout universe compelling, and it really doesn’t function well as either an RPG or a shooter. So what was the point of the game? Who was it made for? It wasn’t made to satisfy fans of Fallout’s gameplay or charm. It wasn’t made for fans of RPG games, or shooters. And while it functions as a mediocre online game, I wouldn’t even recommend it as something to play with friends.

No, Fallout 76 was made for two groups. The people in suits, and the weak-jawed bugmen that collect shitty mass-produced plastic figures because they have a certain character or series on them. The worshippers of new age brand cults, the religions of the commercial capitalist age, dedicating their lives to the escapist fantasies that line the pockets of the people in suits. Fallout 76 was made to sell toys, and t-shirts. It was made to be another installment for the bugmen to collect and another product for the suits to ship.

“But it’s fun with friends” is the only defense that Fallout 76 players can really stand behind, and even then, it’s not a good one. Everything is better with friends.

Every video game in the history of video games is better with friends. When they played with rocks and sticks before they invented better games? Better with friends. Playing freeze tag in traffic? Better with friends. Drinking to drown out the dark cloud of misery and sorrow hanging over you ever since your wife took the kids and half of everything you own? Better with friends. Getting jumped by human traffickers in South America and sold into slavery? Better with friends.

The online multiplayer market isn’t just ripe with games to play, it’s oversaturated. There’s too many online games to play, and they’re all trying to throw some vague novelty your way to keep you invested long enough to pay for some microtransactions. With so many games trying their hardest to be relevant for their fifteen seconds of fame, why would you give your attention to Fallout 76 just because it has Fallout in the name?

Why would you do Fallout the disservice of supporting a shallow cash grab when you’re only encouraging Bethesda to whore it out more? Is the Star Wars Holiday Special a true Star Wars movie? When they drop the Holiday Special from the lore and bury their embarrassment in the annals of history, is it still Star Wars? What makes it any different from my fanfiction where Darth Vader uses the force choke on Chewbacca’s red, throbbing dick? If I’m more faithful to the lore, and more respectful to the spirit of Star Wars, what makes my work less Star Wars than the Holiday Special?

What is it that separates us, the fans and the suits? Paperwork, red tape, legislature, and legalese that break down the concept of idea ownership. But should ideas truly be owned? To whom should the future of a franchise be entrusted to? Do fans that complain of Bethesda maiming and driving Fallout into the ground have the right, the same way Tumblr cretins have the right to disfigure characters into engorged, racially ambiguous reflections of the inner workings of their autism?

Would Fallout’s lore, and the lore of many other franchises be treated better if they were allowed to lapse into public domain? Perhaps.

And perhaps one day my mature reboot of the Thomas the Tank Engine world and its lore will be accepted as canon. In a perfect world, my trainsona will finally hack that asshole Gordon in half with his katana.

Nintendo: Captain Falcon Is Bill From King Of The Hill, No New Game Coming

Out of all of Nintendo’s many franchises, one of the most requested that’s been out of the picture for quite a while is F-Zero. There’s been nothing but cameos and guest appearances for the star, Captain Falcon.

Today, Nintendo confirmed that the reason for this is because Captain Falcon is Bill Dauterive from King of the Hill. This important story development can’t be addressed however, because they do not have the rights to King of the Hill.

Nintendo lost the rights to King of the Hill when Microsoft acquired Rare in 2002, which threw a wrench in the narrative of the F-Zero series.

Captain Falcon will unmask himself as Bill after the events of the last F-Zero title, but this development in the story has been put on hold indefinitely.

Miyamoto has gone on record saying that he refuses to budge on this, and is not willing to change the F-Zero lore to accommodate this.

F-Zero has been shelved, seemingly forever, and will probably not get another installment unless Nintendo reacquires the rights to King of the Hill, or works out some kind of licensing deal.

BREAKING: The GameStop Girl Showed Me Basic Human Kindness, See You Later Virgins

Guys you’re never gonna believe this the girl at GameStop smiled at me I think this is getting serious.

Every weekend I go to GameStop to check out the latest games and make payments on all of my pre-orders. I don’t believe in pre-ordering games, but they never have enough copies of my JRPG’s if I don’t pre-order them so I’ve been forced to. And in the process I’ve built up a relationship with the cute cashier girl that works there.

I’m pretty sure her hair smells like strawberry but I’ve never gotten close enough to smell it.

I’m sure she noticed how much money I was spending and I definitely impressed her with my knowledge of Blazblue lore. I explained the whole plot for her and I could tell she was enthralled. As I was leaving today she smiled and told me to have a nice day, and she remembered my name.

We’ve been dating like this for at least a few months now so I’m pretty sure this is serious now. I don’t know where to go from here, but we’ll definitely be getting intimate soon.

The date that we’ll be having s*x is still unknown but I will keep you guys updated, maybe. If I’m not too busy having lots of s*x with my hot GameStop girlfriend. See you later virgins.

Microsoft: With Next-Gen Xbox You Will Be Able To Listen To Cortana Pissing

Rumors have begun circulating about the next-generation of console gaming. The Playstation 4 and Xbox One have been out for quite a while, and their successors are no doubt on the horizon.

Sony has dropped hints about the Playstation 5, promising to blow their competition out of the water and provide the most powerful console experience we’ve ever seen. Which, you know, you’d expect from a next-generation video game console. They never promise a weaker system, do they? Microsoft, on the other hand, have managed to get a leg up with their lofty promises.

The next Xbox? You’ll be able to listen to Cortana pissing, in all her glory.

“With the new Project Scarlett headset, you’ll be able to activate Cortana at any time, and listen to her piss. It’ll sound like chicken is frying, right in your ear.” Xbox’s head Phil Spencer promised in an exclusive interview.

“Sometimes gaming can get stressful. We need a break. We need a drink. Something to refresh us. And we think Cortana should be the one to provide it.” He went on, detailing how hundreds of women have been recorded pissing to get the sound design just right. We’re talking next-gen piss ambiance.

There is still so much for us to learn about both the PS5 and Xbox Scarlett, but if this is how Microsoft is stepping up to the plate Sony had better not let this crucial moment slip.

BREAKING: Bernie Sanders Is Sans Undertale

Bernie Sanders has been hard at work on the campaign trail, trying to find the path to the nomination for the 2016 2020 election. There is still a chance he can win, despite Hillary Clinton Joe Biden having all of the super-delegates. He’s going to have them, we already know.

While Bernie’s grassroots efforts didn’t snag him the nomination last time, and forfeiting to the establishment really didn’t win him over with his supporters, Bernie has revealed that this time around he will not be a pushover, and he will make sure the Democratic Party that wronged him and all of the billionaires have a bad time.

“It’s a beautiful day outside… birds are chipping flowers are blooming… in days like these.. billionaires like you……. should be burning in hell.” Bernie opened up his latest press conference. Then his eye turned blue, and he revealed that he was in fact Sans Undertale.

Bernie Sansders has created a personal hitlist of every billionaire and politician that has wronged him, and he is going to dispose of them all. Nothin’ personnel, kid.

Joe Biden is expected to win the nomination by a landslide victory.

The Pokémon Company: Hatsune Miku Will Not Be In Pokémon Sword And Shield

The upcoming installment in the ever-popular Pokémon franchise, Sword and Shield, has been met with mixed reactions. Nintendo has been switching up the formula, and not everyone likes it.

First they took away the National Dex, then they took away Mega Evolutions and replaced it with the new “Gigamax” system. Some people love it, some hate it. As a massively bloated franchise, it’s impossible to please everyone.

But they’ve just come out with yet another announcement. Hatsune Miku will not be featured in this installment of the Pokémon franchise.

Do you see Hatsune Miku in this screenshot? No? That’s because she’s not in this game. They’ve already said so, it’s official. Sword and Shield will feature the largest map of any Pokémon game, and through all of those virtual acres you will never find Hatsune Miku.

At this point, it really feels like they’re just stripping more and more features from this game. It’s beginning to to feel like they’re just going to ship the most bare-bones product imaginable. Pokémon has a problem as a franchise with how massive it’s gotten, but is this really the best way to fix things?

We’ll just have to wait and see if Nintendo feels the pressure or not. The consumers will vote with their wallets. Pokémon Sword and Shield are currently dated for November 15th.