Toadette Gets Illegal Abortion, Revealing Toad(s) Cum Inside Her On The Regular

Abortion has always been an incredibly controversial political issue. The legal matters of human rights, bodily autonomy, a right to life, and consent are a messy business, and it’s natural for a diverse group with different viewpoints to see things in their own ways. Even in a population as homogeneous as the Mushroom Kingdom.

The conservative, nationalist country of the Mushroom Kingdom has long held traditional ideals, but Toads are unfortunately mortal beings with vices like the rest of us. As much as we all would love to never imagine that. Toads don’t just reproduce. They fuck. Toads fuck hard. And sometimes, when Toads fuck, there are consequences.

Toadette, resident of the Mushroom Kingdom, discovered she was pregnant recently. The pink-haired Toad civilian, unable to care for her child with her tennis career (and not too sure which Toad did the deed, they all kind of look alike), opted to end the child’s suffering before bringing them into a cruel world where they could never know the love of a real mother and father.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Abortion, which is strictly illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom because of their deeply religious beliefs, is not something readily available at your local Planned Parent Pipe. Toadette had to find some shady ass people to stick a coat hanger in her and fish out bits of Toad fetus. It wasn’t very pretty.

When Mushroom Kingdom authorities discovered the crime that’d taken place, they bounced in place and shrieked in their high-pitched, nasally voices “AGHAGGAHGAGAA OH NO AGHAHAGA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGAGHAGAGA”. The Mushroom Kingdom has never had the most competent law enforcement.

The leader of the Mushroom Kingdom, grand matriarch Princess Peach, was unavailable to offer a statement as she was once again missing from her castle. But the Toads we could reach out to gave us the statement “OH NO AGAHGAGA GAGA AUAUAUGAGU AHAHAHA YAHOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH NO GAGAGA GAHAGGHAGAAGA”.

Toadette will be executed for her crimes at a future date.

Why The Fuck Isn’t Johnny Test In This Stupid Bitch Ass Game

Why do mass crossovers so frequently suck ass? Why can’t characters from a multitude of different universes come together to form a cohesive whole? Why is there always so much bullshit?

So much fucking bullshit. Honestly. If you’re pulling from a dozen different worlds with a variety of deep lores and stories to them, you really shouldn’t have to fall back on generic plot devices with no merit to any of the stories.

Especially not fucking cubes. Cubes for fucks sake. Fucking. Cubes.

Cubes

Literally just drag and drop a handful of untextured cubes into a fucking scene why don’t you.

Now, by no means am I a fucking weeb. It’s not like I just read amiibos and watch mongoose or anything. But as a cultured and enlightened being, I can appreciate quality works where I see them. The cultural significance of Dragon Ball Z, or the ripples Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure sent through video games, animation, and more. Or how fucking cool Yu-Gi-Oh cards are.

Jump Force takes all of those franchises and more, combines them all into a fighting game mash-up, and does absolutely none of them justice. None.

Jump Force is a celebration of all the greatest flaws of amino and mingles. All of the pitfalls that plague the medium as a whole.

gang gang

Jump Force is 50 episodes of screaming followed by a non sequitur story arc about Krillin’s urinary tract infection. Jump Force is an amalgamation of personalities drained of their vibrancy and tossed around like generic action figures in a battle where the results don’t even matter.

If Naruto goes sicko mode and kills Pikachu with the Kamamacarena Wave, we can just use the Chaos Emeralds to wish him back to life. So his character development and redemption arc are ultimately invalidated and meaningless.

Except there isn’t even the prospect of consequence or character development because it’s a self-justifying character mash-up.

The only character worth playing as

Instead of screaming it’s repetitive filler cutscenes with poor animation. Instead of generic filler characters, they’re the main characters you know and love, reduced to supporting characters that parrot catchphrases in a story struggling to justify itself with bland original characters no one cares about.

The only, single, solitary redeeming feature is that the actual battle mechanics, when you actually get through the meaningless static it calls dialogue and endless loading screens, aren’t that bad. They’re not what I’d call good, but they could be worse. Simple, accessible button mashing. Generic, repetitive, but flashy and mostly responsive. But even then, most of the characters play the same and it makes no sense.

How can Yugi literally fly across the battlefield and teleport rapidly to smash his enemies into the ground? Why can every single character do that? Why don’t they each have their own unique style instead of all controlling like different skins of Dragon Ball Z characters? There is no love put into the game, just tone-deaf references and brainless nerd circlejerkery.

if they're holograms how can they damage other people this makes no sense

Jump Force doesn’t know what it wants to be and does everything it tries badly. If they wanted to focus on the gameplay, why is there a story mode composed 100% of filler? There is genuinely nothing worth seeing in the story mode, it’s not even good as fan service.

It’s not even optional. There’s no arcade mode or anything. If they wanted to force the story mode, why didn’t they design an actual fucking story mode instead of just cobbling together shitty animations and flavorless text? You’re working with franchises where parallel universes, virtual reality, time travel, wish-granting, and reality warping are all canon occurrences. The most lazy and basic forms of plot devices, and they had to go even lazier with fucking magic cubes and evil soulless fighter clones.

Why couldn’t they write something genuinely compelling? Dragon Ball’s universe god calling for a “Tournament of Power” between different dimensions similar to the ending arc of Super, Yugi getting zapped into a virtual reality video game that involves all the amigo characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear being bought off eBay by a weeaboo and needing to fight their way through all his action figures to save Little Bo Peep from getting hot glued every night; there are more than enough tools for a decent crossover and they used none.

I want to see Johnny Test's stand powers awaken

The Penguins of Madagascar building a time machine and traveling to the bad future where Perfect Cell becomes King of New York, Johnny Test’s sisters crafting androids that go renegade and destroy all life on Earth prompting Trunks to travel to their dimension accidentally tipping off Bling-Bling Boy to the Dragon Balls so he can use his wish to become the ultimate ruler of all universes sending Johnny on a quest through the multiverse with a collection of gadgets except Dukey gets pierced by a Stand Arrow, awakening him to his powers to freeze time, which he uses to help Johnny up until he meets the android responsible for destroying Earth, an alternate universe version of Android 18, and falls madly in love, splitting up the unstoppable duo of Johnny and Dukey, until Johnny learns the true meaning of friendship and overcomes all of the obstacles in his path when he masters the Sharingan and Ultra Instinct; this shit genuinely writes itself.

Jump Force could’ve easily just been something Super Smash Bros-esque and prioritized gameplay over story, and it would’ve turned out perfectly fine. Or it could’ve prioritized plot and introduced characters somewhat meaningful to any one franchise. Dragon Ball FighterZ had the pink vore girl I jerked off to, she had some sort of plot significance to the series.

Or they could’ve done something about the Wallace and Gromit art style. If Wallace and Gromit were in the game, I would’ve been perfectly fine with it. Hell, if it took place in the Wallace and Gromit universe, and they were primary antagonists, that would’ve literally fixed every problem with the game, minus the execution on every fundamental level.

You call this big fucking anime tiddies?

And worst of all, the character creator’s tiddy scale is pathetic. Fucking. Pathetic. This is the biggest they go? Those look like it should be average, normal sized tits. In the middle of the bar, not the end of it.

Look, I’m not a fucking pedophile here. I don’t want these small ass little kids tits, I don’t jerk off to million year old dragons that are 8 years old. I want some huge fucking tiddies. I want watermelon-sized tits, minimum. I want them bigger than my fucking head. And an ass to match. And thighs. And feet. And they better be fucking fragrant.

Bandai Namco has vowed to keep updating the game to address gameplay concerns, but I refuse to give this game a second chance before they cut the feminist SJW normie shit and give we gamers the giant fucking anime tits we want and deserve. This is an issue of gamer rights, and I refuse to budge on it.

Kotaku Used Derogatory N-Word Slur At Me In Applebee’s Parking Lot

This just happened oh my god I am literally crying and shaking right now I was at Applebee’s enjoying my 2 for $20 and minding my own business when Kotaku came up to me and started shouting gamer language at me I was so shocked and disgusted I have never felt more assaulted in my life this literally just happened right now this is a true story.

I was sitting at my own table, eating my own 2 for $20, when they just barged in and intruded on my meal, and blasphemed against my most sacrosanct of dinners. They called my 2 for $20’s gay and the f word that means gay, and then they turned to me and called me the n word with a hard r that means African American. Then they whipped out their dick and told me I am an f word that means gay for looking at it, when they were grabbing food off of my plate, my 2 for $20’s, and stuffing it in their foreskin.

When their foreskin was swollen up to about the size of a large plum, they grabbed the bottle of ketchup off my table and generously squirted it on top, before making a “pftpththfhthfthtpt” sound with their tongue while squirting it on my nice Easter Sunday suit jacket, as if they were farting out ketchup onto my outfit.

Oh god oh fuck

The waiter came and asked if everything was alright, and I tried to speak up and say no but Kotaku kept interrupting me, repeating everything I said but louder and in a voice like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and making those fart noises with their tongue. They told the waiter everything was fine, and the waiter didn’t even question why there was 2 for $20 dripping from Kotaku’s exposed foreskin.

Whenever I’d try to ignore them and eat my food Kotaku would say something about how they were gonna dig up my aunt’s grave and jerk off on her “stupid fat (n word with a hard r) feet” if I didn’t stop eating and listen to them. But if I’d put my food down they’d just stare at me and call me a “stupid (n word with a hard r) cuck”.

I tried to gather my things and leave but they’d stand in front of my face and make every step I took a battle. When I finally got to the parking lot they just circled me calling me the n word over and over. I broke down and cried, but they just wouldn’t stop. It took me a while to get into my car because they’d shut the door on me whenever I opened it. They followed me and kept honking their horn and hurling gamer language at me all the way home. I had to circle my block a few times and only barely lost them when we passed a cop. I parked my car in my garage and am still in there, typing this from my phone.

I’ll keep this story updated as it unfolds.

EDIT:

I peeked out a few times and I still see them driving by slowly every few minutes like they’re looking for me. I’m so scared oh my god I’m shaking right now this is really happening. I’ll update this story again when they leave.

Gearbox Bravely Announces Borderlands 3 Despite Broken Kneecaps And Pressure From Hooded Figure With Gun-Shaped Outline In Their Coat Pocket

Borderlands fans can finally rejoice, Borderlands 3 is officially happening. The third (technically fourth?) Borderlands game was officially announced, promising even more colorful characters and billions of guns.

The announcement came rather out of the blue at around 3AM from a McDonald’s parking lot in El Paso, Texas. Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford, wearing a makeshift poncho composed of Walmart bags and what looked to be gum scraped off the underside of a park bench, appeared to make the surprise reveal in a rather erratic manner. The entire thing was filmed from his phone.

An unidentifiable hooded figure was with him the entire time, with their hands in their coat pockets. A distinct gun shape could be seen pointing from within aforementioned pocket. Anytime Pitchford would stumble on his words, they would poke him with the pointed shape within their pocket, and Pitchford would correct himself.

At one point during the broadcast, Pitchford broke down into tears, blubbering near incomprehensible gibberish. While most of it was lost to his nasally whimpering, “I’m sorry about Aliens, I’m sorry about Battleborn, please help” could scarcely be made out, before he began sobbing hysterically. I could’ve swore he said “They’re gonna take my bone marrow”, but it was hard to decipher just what was said before the stream cut out abruptly.

Imagine how many dicks she could pleasure at once

Many interesting and colorful characters were teased, and it looks as if more diverse environments will be joining the desert world of Borderlands. From the looks of it, the next playable Siren character will be melee focused, wielding many powerful arms.

Randy Pitchford has not been seen since the announcement, and any attempts to get in touch with Gearbox have fallen through. Their offices have a foreclosure notice on them, and it appears their phone has been disconnected. Their website now redirects to some kind of Russian site.

There is no confirmed date yet for when Borderlands 3 drops, but fans speculate it may be sometime in October.

Don’t Bring A Cock Cage To A Gun Fight

The problem with any one piece of art is that it doesn’t exist within a void. Regardless of how pure and uninfluenced the artist’s vision is, the one experiencing the piece will have an inherent idea of the form of art based on other things they’ve experienced. A painting could be pretty, but is it prettier than other things they’ve seen? Or not as pretty? What if it was a painting by Hitler? Would that influence their opinion?

Comparisons will always be drawn, despite how much you try to avoid it. Sometimes the equivalency is false, but the damage is already done. Like trying to compare a human penis to a horse penis. We’re not even anatomically compatible, you’re just asking for internal hemorrhaging. But if they wanna fuck a horse, they’re gonna fuck that horse. There’s no stopping it. In some cases though, it’s perfectly natural and almost being asked for. The act of comparing things, not horse fucking.

Brawlout, the promising off-brand Super Smash Bros, looked to be answering the prayers of all the fanboys and elitists that refuse to buy a Nintendo console just for one game. Prayers aren’t always answered though.

Pooper Poop Poopers

Super Smash Bros is one of the largest franchises in the game industry. It’s a console mover, a killer app. There isn’t just a community around the series, it’s a cornerstone of gaming culture. Smash Bros didn’t just create and define its own genre, it also mastered and perfected it. Sure, there are purists for each entry that consider their preferred Smash Bros game to be the best out of all them. But it’s inarguable that Smash Bros isn’t something as simple as Fortnite that any company can just put their own spin on and release as an original product.

But Brawlout tried to do just that very thing. And while they really tried, the difference in power levels made the very attempt seem like a hopelessly half-assed sham of a knockoff. How can you put a unique spin on a game that’s been perfected, where every element is calculated perfectly? Where is there room to improve, when the act of substituting one feature for another only detracts from the experience? Super Smash Bros is Super Smash Bros in its purest, greatest sense. All of the things that make it what it is are finely woven and intertwined with one another to the point that there is no way to improve it.

It’s like the spork. Is there a more omnipotent consumption tool than the spork? Is there any way to improve upon its intuitive design? It is the final evolution of its kind, the apex utensil. Spoons and forks strove to compete for dominance, dominating the likes of chopsticks and other inferior tools. But the spork cannot be built upon, cannot be riffed off of. There is no room for improvement, no room for creative interpretation that reinvents itself.

This is okay but you know what's better? A fucking spork

Brawlout as a standalone title is decent. A variety of interesting, original characters that are all anthropomorphic animals for some reason. Minus points for the furries, but they’re all nicely designed characters at least. And yet, they lack the defining personality, charm, and historical legacy of Nintendo’s characters. The fights are fast-paced and definitely feel like a party fighter, and yet the mechanics are a bit clunky, not anywhere near as snappy as Smash Bros. None of the characters just feel “right”, and the camera is lacking the dynamic element of Smash Bros. The lack of large, vivid, easily distinguishable models can make hectic fights feel a little too hectic to the point that one can’t even tell where they are.

The amount of sheer content is a drop in Smash’s piss bucket. And while it’s understandable that an indie startup could never rival a series that’s had over a decade to build itself up, Brawlout feels like a cheap free-to-play version of the original Smash 64. It just feels cheap. The controls feel cheap, some of the physics feel cheap. It might have been made by a fraction of the development team, being sold for a fraction of the price. But it doesn’t even have the level of polish of a late 90’s fighting game, and polish is particularly important for fighting games.

Sure, it’s an adequate game when judged “on its own merits”. But why would anyone settle for false adequacy? It’s like being Amish. Your simple life of manual labor and missionary sex for the purpose of procreation are nice and I respect your desire to not want to use the internet so that you can’t accidentally figure out how fucking lame you are, but I don’t wanna be Amish. I want a fast car and hoes.

What is this, Smash Bros for ants?

And the foreskin on top of the smegma-encrusted micropenis that is Brawlout? Brawlout thinks its gameplay is worth investing time into. The only way to unlock anything is by grinding. Grind and level up your characters to unlock different skins and variations, play endless rounds of the game’s clunky gameplay to earn coins for buying loot boxes to unlock random junk to customize your online profile and characters. Fighting endless rounds of the game’s repetitive fights just to unlock a fraction of the already slim content is a laughable way of artificially stretching out the game’s value.

They thought they had their gameplay so perfectly refined and perfected that you would be willing to grind through several dozen of their little battles for a clone character and a party hat. It feels like it wasn’t sure if it wanted to appeal to Melee nerds or people that would actually be interested in a fun party fighter. The emphasis on combos feels weird and ill-fitting for a party game, along with the lack of items, variety, and spontaneity. But it’s also bare bones and hardly what one might call technical.

It’s a decent, if not forgettable fighting game. And it’s an okay homage to a beloved pillar of the industry. But it feels as if Brawlout is a regrettable Tinder date. Not quite what the pictures and description promised, and yet expecting you to put out after he buys you dinner off the dollar menu at Taco Bell. And then makes you split the bill with him. He’d keep trying to put his fingers in your ass, but his fingernails are long and there’s visible grime under them. When the scent of energy drinks and poor life choices get to be too much, you’d need to pepper spray him just to get him out of the car, and then he’d send you a long, flowery paragraph telling you what a bitch you are for not letting him smash on the first date in the backseat of his car because his parents are home even though he’s 30 and works full-time as a GameStop manager.

Epic Fortnite moment

Simply showing up and not infecting me with anthrax isn’t something to put on the back of the box. It’s not an achievement. That’s the base expectation. Unless I’m explicitly buying anthrax, in which case showing up and not giving me anthrax would definitely be the opposite of an achievement, as it would fail to do the one thing it was meant to do.

There are traces of potential within Brawlout’s hollow shell. With the wonder of the internet, Brawlout has been updated many times already, ironing out bugs and adding more content. They’ve added guest characters, like that one indie character with the sword. And the Nazi lizard. The one alt-right sympathizer JonTron gave birth to. They’re in it too. Maybe one day they’ll add enough guest characters and content for anyone to care about their game.

Even then though, Brawlout is really only a substitute. A slice of American cheese on top of a soy hotdog, microwaved and dipped in corn syrup. A way for the delusional to feel like they’re getting a real, original Super Smash Bros experience on their PC or non-Nintendo console. And compared to even whatever you think the worst Smash Bros game might be, it’s almost humiliating.

Brawlout is the game you’d step on while playing Super Smash Bros. Plagued by a deep inadequacy that permeates every fiber of its existence. Some people are into that though. Whatever floats your sissy femboy penis.

Super Mario Maker 2 Cancelled After Controversial “Make Mario Great Again” Ad Campaign Backfires

Fans looking forward to crafting their own Super Mario levels and sharing them with fellow Nintendo Switch players may have to retreat back to their Wii U consoles for the foreseeable future. Nintendo’s embarrassing ad snafu just got the plug pulled on Super Mario Maker 2.

Shortly after the last Nintendo Direct where the official trailer dropped for Super Mario Maker 2, an ad began airing featuring the current President of the United States, Donald Trump. The controversial and divisive political figure was seen playing the upcoming title, building walls to keep various enemies from touching Mario and constructing grand architectural monuments within the game.

As Trump would build, a brightly animated Mushroom Kingdom world would sprout up from the office around him, until Mario and Luigi themselves were right there in the White House with him wearing construction hats with the “Make America Great Again” branding on them. Trump would then turn to a Goomba and tell them “You’re Fired”.

The community, understandably enough, did not agree with this depiction of their beloved Mushroom Kingdom world, and began to protest the ad and the game on social media. Many critics lampooned Nintendo for their “tone-deaf marketing” and for their support of Donald Trump.

Protests in the streets

Following the swift and brutal Twitter backlash, all traces of the commercial were pulled from the internet, the video no longer available on Nintendo’s official Youtube channel. Nintendo’s stock dropped considerably following the boycotts, and in an effort to appease the masses simply announced that the game would be pushed back indefinitely.

Trump, who did not see anything wrong with harmlessly promoting a game, took to Twitter for a rant of his own, which at some point devolved into him ranting about Nintendo for giving in to the “fake news media”, and then finally ranting about the game. He was having a hard time figuring out how to navigate the menus, and was asking how he could add more Bowsers to his level to make the coolest level ever where several dozen Bowsers stacked on top of one another would rush the player all at once. That was the entire stage, just Bowsers.

After stumbling through the menus for a few hours he dropped off Super Mario Maker 2 and ended up playing Fortnite the rest of the night, tweeting every time he died and making vague legal threats at whoever did it.

Make Nintendo Great Again

Super Mario Maker 2, which was originally dated for June 2019, is on permanent hiatus until further notice. Trump, who received his own promotional Switch and early release copy of Super Mario Maker 2 out of the deal, has said nothing but good things about the Switch, citing that the Joy-Cons fit perfectly in his hands.

Barron Trump has also come forward to express gratitude and relief towards Nintendo, as his father now has his own system to keep him busy and won’t loiter outside Barron’s door asking if it’s “his turn to play the Xbox yet”.

Nintendo has not responded to any further comments, questions, or concerns since their last press statement.

I Banish Your Soul To The Shadow Realm, I’ll Tell You Hwat

Card games have grown incredibly popular on mobile devices as one of the genres that work really well with the limited control options of the touch screen. They don’t require a lot of rigorous button pressing, or directional input of any sort, and can provide in-depth, long-term fun unlike the usual disposable mobile experiences.

Games that can pull it off exceptionally well don’t just pull in a few people to play while on the toilet before moving onto the next game. They can form a solid community. Games like Hearthstone. Or Kung Fu Panda: Battles of Destiny. Great titles.

But a new card game is rocking the charts. Can they keep up?

heh... nothin personnel, kid...

An epic saga, spanning entire universes. And their fate is all in your hands. Animation Throwdown: The Quest For Cards, on both iOS and Android, is the game to end all games. You can play as Hank Hill. That’s really all I need to say.

As the successor of an ancient puzzle, you inherit the destiny of a great pharaoh who must vanquish the evil that has plagued him for centuries and threatens to plunge the world into eternal darkness. Your only weapon? A children’s card game.

A mash-up of different animation properties, Animation Throwdown combines the worlds of King of the Hill, Futurama, Bob’s Burgers, and some other garbage.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

This is a very funny game. Very funny. It almost reminds me of that one time I did that thing. Remember that? Yeah, that was great.

At its core, Animation Throwdown is a game about quick, convenient fun. And microtransactions. Lots of microtransactions. But mostly just matches so fast you could play a bunch with only one trip to the bathroom. Most matches shouldn’t last longer than 2 to 3 minutes. I’ve finished some in seconds. There’s even a convenient little fast-forward button, to make the game go at twice to four times the regular speed.

You’ll start with the themed deck of your choice, though choosing anything but the King of the Hill deck is just foolish. Hank and Bill are probably the most overpowered cards in the game. There’s no stopping the Billdozer.

It's time to duel.

It plays something like Hearthstone, but for retards. You’ll play your cards to defend your hero, but cards all attack automatically. Whatever is directly in front of them gets hit, and if nothing, it’s a direct hit to the player. If your Life Points hit zero, you’re sent to the Shadow Realm.

But you can also fuse your cards on the fly in battle to create stronger cards. That’s where the strategy comes in. The strategy being to fuse the best cards to win.

Fused cards will have greater strength and defense, and special abilities like healing or boosting adjacent cards’ strength. The Billdozer, my strongest card, has the ability to gain 4 attack points with every kill. If I get him into play within the first few turns of a game, he will sweep a player in seconds. He truly is the strongest of the Egyptian God Cards.

You've activated my trap card.

You’ll be able to purchase additional cards to customize your deck with in-game currency you earn from defeating other duelists, but the going is incredibly sluggish unless you bite the bullet and watch ads to increase the payout. Or pay for the premium currency.

Some premium content can be acquired in-game from daily quests and such, but some of it demands real money be paid for it. Not even the premium currency, but actual cash for some stuff.

In other words, there are three separate types of currency in this game. Simply investing in a big thing of premium currency isn’t even enough for this game, because premium currency can’t buy everything. They’re still gonna nickel and dime you after you’ve thrown down whatever money you’re willing to spend.

Watch out, limit 4 per person.

But you know, I’m glad they totally didn’t make this a pay-to-win game, you know? I mean look at that. Limit 4. They’re thinking about the players here.

And each pack that you buy? Each pack comes with one card. Just one card per card pack. Which, to me, seems very not eco-friendly. Think of all the wasted plastic, individually packing each card. That’s ridiculous. But it’s for a good cause. If they stuffed too many cards in those rare packs, everyone would just buy a bunch and that’d make it unfair, right? Limit 4 per person.

You can’t just go throwing money around to win, there are limits. Isn’t that generous of them? That’s how you know this is a real competitive card game. There’s balance. There’s order.

You're only allowed to spend $100 on this stuff, kid.

Look, kid, we’re giving you a good price. $50 for two cards and some premium currency. Sorry, limit 2 bud. Can’t have you spending more than $100 on these babies, they’re in high demand. Hot sellers. We’re running out. After you buy two of these hot items, you’ll have to pay the regular price. $100 for one special limited edition holographic Peter Griffin card. It’s the strongest in the game, trust me. Everyone loves Family Guy, right?

If you can put up with the obnoxious ads, ads you’ll need to watch three times in a row to maximize the loot drops, it’s an okay game.

It’s got all your favorite characters, right? Family Guy, your favorite. Everyone loves Family Guy. The greatest show ever. Remember that one time they told the funny joke? Oh wait. I don’t have a clip for that. I don’t think it ever happened.

The “jokes” in the card game really don’t go much deeper than that either. There’s very limited dialogue between characters, and when it’s there it’s never more than just regurgitating quotes from the respective TV shows. Don’t expect anything original and funny here. It’s literally just “Bazinga: The Card Game”. Remember that one character’s famous catchphrase? It’s in here. Wubba lubba dub dub, boom shakalaka, rama lama ding dong, eureka. Look how zany these cartoon characters are. Groovy, dude. Far out. Hitler did nothing wrong. Don’t have a cow, friend.

Remember this episode? Yeah. That was a great one. So funny. Ha. Ha ha.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why they stopped at the shows they did. I get that it had to be Fox shows, so Rick and Morty or South Park couldn’t really be roped in. Even though I would’ve played the shit out of a Rick and Morty starter deck. But why no Simpsons?

Is it because The Simpsons isn’t funny anymore, and they were limiting it to funny shows only? That seems like a plausible explanation, except somehow Family Guy and American Dad both made it in and neither of them have ever been funny. Maybe they’re planning to add them as a massive DLC expansion that’ll end up costing you even more money. Who knows.

I don’t see myself keeping this game installed very much longer, and I don’t see myself ever feeling the urge to download it again. I don’t really care what properties they add. Rick and Morty, South Park, Dragon Tales, Jackie Chan Adventures, anything really. No matter how passionately I feel about the shows they add, the game itself just fails to live up to what it could’ve been if they’d toned down the microtransactions and maybe had some writers to add some fresh humor in the spirit of the shows they’re shamelessly flaunting for a quick buck.

And also if they just took out Family Guy and American Dad. Really, if they took those two shows out, I probably would have enjoyed the game a lot more. Seriously, it’s really annoying to need to go into my inventory every time I get a Family Guy card to get rid of it. I don’t want those cards anywhere near my deck, or my inventory. I don’t want them on my phone in general.

If there’s anything to justify white guilt, it’s creating and promoting Family Guy. The creation of Family Guy, laughing at Family Guy jokes, making Family Guy into a thing; only white people do this shit and y’all are the cancer of the Earth. I hope you all feel ashamed for this.

Good Night Alt-Right

Listen here, shitlords. I’m real tired of all these Nazis everywhere. Everyone’s a Nazi these days. JonTron is a Nazi. PewDiePie is a Nazi. I think it’s time we ended Nazis once and for all.

With some motherfucking Metal Slug. Metal Slug is like, the peak of Nazi-punching. Except you’re punching them with bullets. And there’s also aliens. Just like, uhhhh, Trump? Because he’s, uhhhhhhhh, orange???????

Nazi alien confirmed.

Literally Trump

That’s actually Trump right there. The enemy is named Trump in the game. Notice how they’re all orange? They’re Trumps.

Metal Slug 3 is a fantastic run and gun arcade classic. It’s been on a dozen platforms, from the Neo Geo to both Sony and Microsoft, and just recently released on the Nintendo Switch as part of the “Arcade Archives” ACA Neo Geo Series. Which is like, the English and Japanese versions of the same game, but also with some online leaderboard shit in there and some nice other touches that don’t actually alter the game at all.

If you’ve never played a Metal Slug, you really need to play one. They’re great. And if you have played one, you’re pretty much done here. You’ve seen it all. They’re all pretty much the same game. It’s kinda like Megaman. You do the exact same thing every time, but for some reason it’s not a cash-in and people masturbate to it and say we need more of it.

NAZIS

3 is consistently the most popular of all the Metal Slug games, since it actually was a little better than the others. It was the first to introduce branching level paths, and gave a little more replay value to the otherwise linear level design. Plus you get to ride an elephant with machine guns.

With the Nazis and the Alt-Right up to no good, you must set out on a quest to defeat Hitler, Trump, aliens, zombies, and the smug Nazi frog maymay. It’ll be intense, and you’ll need to punch every single one of them. It’s the only way to bring about true equality and democratic socialism. It’s what Bernie Sandles would have wanted. You know Metal Slug is his favorite game? Right next to HuniePop, he loves HuniePop.

Metal Slug is designed with simplicity in mind. You run. You shoot. There are power-ups. Tanks you can ride. Massive bosses, quality animation and art. And you die. A whole fucking lot. It’s literally impossible not to die. Your character can only take one hit. If you can make it through the game without dying once you got problems, dude. They used to have a Metal Slug machine at Chuck E. Cheese when I was younger, bitch took all my tokens.

AN ELEPHANT

Most modern releases of the game include an “Insert Credit” button, so you don’t have to worry about the shitty arcade difficulty anymore. You can just spam infinite virtual tokens and just keep playing.

It’s a pretty short game. Back in the arcade days, the game’s length was stretched out by the fact that you needed tokens and if you didn’t have a million tokens to waste you had to give up and start over again. But with infinite lives you can breeze though the game in a good hour or so. It’ll be a bitch, and you’ll go through a ton of virtual tokens. But it’s really fun, and better with a friend.

The Switch version particularly shines here, with its dual Joy-Con support. You have a whole portable Metal Slug machine with two controllers right in the palm of your hand. That’s a pretty nice feature, not gonna lie.

The only flaw I can think of is that, like most Metal Slug games, it ends up forcing you into joining the Nazis to fight an even bigger evil? And like, as a vegan, I could never do such a thing. I’m with her, and I’ll be with her until the very end. You know?

Resist

I will resist. This is blatant Nazi propaganda at its finest. Sure, first you make me join the Nazis, just to save the Earth from destruction. But like, next you’ll be telling me I need to curb stomp a people of color. And I could never. A white person, maybe. But never a people of color.

Metal Slug is genuinely one of the best arcade experiences out there though. That feeling of being at Chuck E. Cheese, colors flashing, frantically mashing buttons and being high on pizza and cake, with a couple hundred tokens to blow because dad had a few too many free refills and got a little crazy at the salad bar, and mom thought she handed you a 5 but she gave you a 50. Classic childhood memories, immortalized in a game. It doesn’t get any better than that.

3 is as good of a place to start as any, and provides arguably the best Metal Slug experience, especially with its great diversity of enemies and level quirks. If you can look past the gross alt-right imagery, Metal Slug 3 is a masterpiece of the arcade era.

I’m so glad they ported it though. It’s so hard to overthrow capitalism when you have to buy so many tokens. Now that everyone gets as many free tokens as they want, this is really a game I can get behind.

If Cats Could Fuck Rats, Would The Cat-Rat Offspring Be Eaten By Other Cats, Or Become The New Apex Predator?

Puzzle games are pretty fun. They’re a bit of a niche thing though, nowadays. Usually something you gotta download, or play on your phone, they rarely make physical copies of puzzle games for the major platforms anymore.

No one really gives a fuck about puzzles anymore. Me, I like puzzle games. They can be pretty alright. It’s nice sometimes, a break from the over-the-top presentation of most AAA games on the market. It’s not about being able to spot individual hairs on a dude’s arms before you blow his face off or anything like that, it’s about blocks and shit. You know, the classics.

But this game got something else entirely going on.

L o r e

Fuck, dude, we got some lore going on over here. This is some deep shit. Ancient power crystals and shit, dude. This is heavy.

Fucking Mousecraft over here with the fucking epic saga going on, like it ain’t just some basic-ass Lemmings shit.

I need to know more. I need to know what happens with these power crystal. Where did they come from, who made them? If the main character is an anthropomorphic cat, would fucking the mice be bestiality or cross-breeding between different furry species? Are there non-anthro cats in this world, to go with the non-anthro mice? If all cats are anthropomorphic, are there rampant rat problems due to the mass-domestication of cat people? Do they still eat rats? If they did, would rats be on the brink of extinction due to the growing overpopulation problems plaguing the world? There’s a lot I need to know about this game.

It's mice and shit

Mousecraft, a puzzler available on PC and current Sony platforms, is “a mix of Lemmings and Tetris” as described by the developer. You lead the mice to the cheese, and you put blocks in places. Very spot-on analogy. Mice like cheese. And cats like mice. So you put blocks to help mice reach the cheese and that’s an invention, I guess. The lore is still a little confusing.

Your goal is to invent mice things, I guess? The inventions don’t really make sense. If the mice are for eating, and the goal of the cats is to create more mice, than this is a poor invention. Mice are very easily killed in these experiments. There’s even enemies in the game, which only lead to more questions.

Going back to the cats fucking mice thing, I can’t help but feel that this may be some kind of sexual experiment.

Why did he make his own?

This makes absolutely no sense. The evil robotic mice, which are the main protagonist’s creation, were invented when he attempted to create robotic mice. If we’re to believe that the chief purpose of mice in this universe is to be consumed, this makes no sense at all. It’d be like if someone invented a metal cheeseburger to replace real cheeseburgers.

What do we create artificial of? Humans. Robotic people, either for hard labor or pleasure. And in this case, what can a rat do that a cat person can’t in terms of labor? Is there more to this we don’t know? Or is there a large opening on the backside of that rat to stick a barbed cat penis into?

This theory is only perpetuated by the absurd presence of these mechanical mice all around the premises. If it was a failed experiment, why are they still all over the place? Why are they attacking the real rats? They’re easily killed by dropping a block on them, if they were undesired they could’ve been simply wiped out already. Clearly this is some sort of bizarre sexual experiment, the possibility of mice death something that this perverse cat is looking forward to. The main character even looks like he lures kids into his lab to rip their genitals off with his teeth.

Degenerate cat scientist

Mousecraft provides a bounty of satisfying puzzle fun, though the game is fairly on the easy side. The ability to pause time and freely move blocks around gives you quite the advantage, even when things start heating up later in the game.

The cat’s time-stopping powers are another concern though, as it’s never fully explained in the game. Is this power standard to all cat people, or just him? How did he acquire this strange power? Was he struck with an ancient bow and arrow, which imbued him with a great power beyond the likes of anything mankind has ever seen before? Canonically, he can freeze time limitlessly. Is this power not enough to achieve whatever goal he wants without building a machine?

Does sunlight kill him? Or fire? Does he regenerate if injured? What other powers does he have? What weaknesses does a power like that even have? This character is, in essence, a god. If he can truly manipulate time to his will, what purpose does the rest of this game even serve?

MUDA MUDA MUDA

At the very least the game does a great job of keeping itself fresh, even with its simple premise, basic controls, and relatively easy puzzles. It’s satisfying, fun, and has particularly good replay value in its tasking you with getting 100% in each puzzle. It’s not like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube that’s actually made up of Rubik’s cubes, and you have Rubik’s cubes for hands that also move every time you make a move. It’s not gonna blow your mind or anything.

New gameplay elements are introduced every few stages, new obstacles and new block types keeping the action interesting all the way until the end.

The inclusion of a level editor also adds another layer of fun, being able to make your very own levels with all of the different pieces is a joy in itself. If you’re passionate enough about the lore of Planet Cohesia, you could spend forever there if you really wanted.

Which begs the question, is it an Earth-like planet? Is it in the same galaxy? How can it have Earth life already on it, in the form of cats and mice? Do all planets have cats and mice?

Send power crystals

What if it actually is Earth? A post-apocalypse Earth, where cats are now the dominant species? What if mice are simply second-class citizens, forced to undergo bizarre sexual torture purely for the cats’ enjoyment?

I’m expecting a few novels at least, hopefully a movie too. There’s so much more I need to know.

Do the cats have humanoid penises or animal penises? That’s probably my biggest one. That could be a deal-breaker for me.

Next time give us a full-fledged action RPG, Kingdom Hearts-style. These simple puzzles don’t do the deep, intricate lore of Mousecraft any justice.

It’s Called Consensual Nonconsent And It’s Actually One Of The Most Common Kinks For Your Information

Every game these days wants to be the “Dark Souls” of something. The “Dark Souls” of platformers, the “Dark Souls” of shooters, the “Dark Souls” of farming simulators, the “Dark Souls” of Cooking Mama games. The generation and genre-defining title rekindled an odd feeling in many gamers. A tingly feeling, deep down. Punishing difficulty, trial and error design, and a touch of absolute bullshit triggered the sexual awakening of the community at large.

Gamers love being humiliated and degraded. They love games where they die all the time, but only if there’s that sweet, sweet aftercare. A little achievement, a little level-up fanfare. Some kind of stupid, enigmatic lore that has something to do with skeletons they can circlejerk around on Reddit.

This pretentious form of cock and ball torture was unparalleled in gaming, until it clashed with the skillful autofellatio of indie games, and the inbred indie roguelike clawed its way from the stinking maw of the indie anal-womb. And so Rogue Legacy was born.

Time to die

Rogue Legacy, the game where you have to die. Mandatory death for game progression. Prepare to die epic style, gamers. It’s just like Dark Souls, the game for Real Gamers. Except the game is randomly generated with no meaningful level design and the RPG mechanics ensure not only that the game is clunky as an RPG, but clunky as an infinitely replayable roguelike. You’ll pick your randomly generated character from randomly assorted classes with randomly chosen perks, and stomp into that dungeon to slay some random enemies. It’s exciting, because you never know what’s gonna happen in between the parts where you are required to die.

Isn’t that totally fun and quirky indie game design? A game where you don’t level up until you die, meaning you have to make hundreds of meaningless ventures into a randomly generated dungeon to hit things until you slam into a brick wall that you can totally dig through if you hit it with your spoon long enough? Real gamers can use their pure skill to whittle away at even the final boss at only level one, and can totally beat the game without even dying one time. Real gamers have infinite time to sink into this delightfully retro and nostalgic metroidvania dungeon crawler, because Mom always brings them their tendies at dinner time and their disability check comes to them conveniently in the mail.

Rogue Legacy is a great game, combining a colorful pixel style reminiscent of the golden years of the SNES with brutal, roguelike gameplay. You’ll grind for gold as you challenge the endlessly shifting dungeon time and time again, investing into weapons, enchantments, buffs, and more with each death until you’ve leveled up strong enough to tackle the bosses and beat the game once and for all. It’s charming, challenging, and everything you’d want out of an indie game.

Haha, gay

As a platformer, the controls are decent. Not enough weight behind the character for my tastes, it feels like I’m playing a flash game honestly. But they’re consistent at least. As an RPG, it’s not bad. Forcing you to die before each level up means it gets tedious and grindy, but still satisfying if you enjoy meaningless grind. As a roguelike, the RPG elements mean there’s less of an emphasis on skill and more of an emphasis on grinding, so there’s not quite the same arcade feel to the gameplay.

But despite how mediocre it may be based on defining genre traits, it’s still a fantastic game, because gamers don’t care how good it is based on those silly things. They just love the small trickle of dopamine they get from making the numbers go bigger and bigger. Bigger number good, smaller number bad. And then they fought a skeleton and they died and it was so cool. The game is so hard, they already died like fifty times. It’s not like those easy baby Mario games where you’re always alive. In this game you die. You have to, or else you can’t win.

And it’s just so unbelievably quirky. One of your randomly generated characters could have randomly generated traits, like farting too much, or being gay, or just having the whole game play in black and white. It’s such an indie game. So whimsical and fun, like a trip through Willy Wonka’s rape dungeon. Mainstream games like EA Bad Game don’t do that.

Woosh!

Don’t adjust your screen, gamers. Yeah, that’s right. The screen is supposed to be upside down. Sometimes your character is just born retarded, and the game is upside fucking down. But it’s okay, you’ll die soon enough. Because the game is so hard and brutal, like Dark Souls. It’s the Dark Souls of Dark Souls, man.

Why do we crave the crippling frustration of inadequacy? Why do we seek the most impossible of challenges to validate us and feed our self-worth? Could it be that we as a society are so starved of strife and turmoil that we have to search for meaningless imaginary hurdles to leap over to give our privileged bourgeois existence illusory value? Our unmatched mental processing power, the apex of this planet’s evolution, reduced to artificially guiding pretty dots through an elaborate maze to keep our atrophying minds busy?

Is the steady stream of basic, primordial pleasure received from RPG mechanics really that intoxicating that the terrifying might of Earth’s strongest living organism is nothing in the face of its gradually increasing numbers in relation to work put in, providing the illusion of progress and achievement? Are we really that retarded that we can’t even demand a piece of cheese or something every time we beat up a skeleton in our little high-definition calculator game?

Thanks for the gold kind strangers

Does this indirectly reveal the fool’s paradise of our proudly individualist, capitalist, all-consuming culture we call Western Civilization? The insatiable beast of greed and lust operating under the seductively self-righteous guise of multiculturalism, welcoming all under its banner to feed the numbers of the masters. Yes, of course your kind are welcome and can earn bigger numbers as long as you work hard. Then you can give your numbers to the masters in exchange for necessities to survival like food, water, a place to live, healthcare, and expensive leather boots and spiked chokers so everyone knows you hate the machine you work tirelessly in.

No matter your culture or beliefs, you are welcome here as long as you strip away those nasty rough edges of your ideology. You need to be a piece of our machine, you need to fit in with all the other pieces to make the machine run smoother, generate higher numbers, and get along with all the other little cogs. The pieces might not fit easily, but it’s all about the work you put in to make those pieces fit, whittling away at the puzzle pieces that have no place until the homogenized shapes of each perfectly unique and special individual fit nicely into the complexity of Western Civilization’s bloated anatomy.

Our culture is work, our culture is numbers. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be a culture of equality, freedom, and diversity, as long as you forfeit the traditions and customs of your undesirable ways. Nobody actually wants the biggest number, they all just want the same, static number. Isn’t that empowering, knowing the masters allowed us all to have the same numbers as them? Or would it be more empowering to give those with nothing the strength to take everything just as it was done to them? Wouldn’t that be fair, equal, and entirely too dangerous?

Thank you for your patronage

We were promised a game we could win, but the game was already won. Is it truly fair to quit the game? Just like that? No more numbers, no more winners and losers? Is that truly what the losers want? Do the losers really want their daily bread and water, their humble abode, and their comfortable life where everyone can have exactly what the others do? Or do the losers want a chance to be the winner? Isn’t it intoxicating to be the winner? It’s what we grind for, what we work for. The game is hard, the game is brutal. You might not be able to win playing by the rules. But what are rules to a winner? As long as you come out on top, isn’t that what makes it all worth it? A winner can have any prize they choose. Is a broken game truly only remedied by the absence of one?

In the case of Rogue Legacy, probably. But people still enjoy it. The meaningless grind, for the sake of grinding. Working towards an artificially inflated goal for the sole purpose of working towards that goal. People enjoy that grind, they enjoy that work. They’re probably retards, or some kind of paraphiliac. But in our world of acceptance, they too are valid. Their numbers have worth.

Even those that choose not to have numbers have numbers. Even in the absence of a game, there are always numbers. Even if you choose not to see them. There’s no escaping the numbers, no matter what world you choose to live in.