Wow! Ben Shapiro’s Tits Now Rival Sister’s After Stunning Impossible Whopper Binge

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper has been turning heads lately, not just with its impressive flame-broiled flavor, but also with its impressive titty-enhancing estrogen content. One of those bad boys a week will have you up a cup size in no time.

While the delicious soy-based burger has been welcomed with open arms from the many men and women of America that just want some large honkin’ boobies, some critics have raised questions about if it’s truly ethical. Flat chests matter too, after all.

But in a stunning and brave display of progressivism, well-known political commentator Ben Shapiro made a public video of him binging an impressive number of Impossible Whoppers, with his bust growing in real-time as he’d down each one.

At one point his top literally burst open, his tits swelling on camera as he’d swallow each one with an enticing, seductive gaze towards the viewer. Licking his lips after each bite, letting the ketchup and mayo drip onto his massive milkers. Typically it takes weeks or even months to feel the effect, but Ben was downing burger after burger, his body becoming more voluptuous by the second as the estrogen surged through his body.

“You want to touch them, don’t you? Well, you can’t. Because this is a video livestream, and it is physically impossible for you to touch my lactating breasts through your computer, no matter how bad you want to milk me. Sorry, facts don’t care about your feelings.” Ben teased, softly tracing lines over his protruding nipples, which looked like they’d burst from the fabric of his bra.

His dear sister, Abigail Shapiro, happened to walk in during the livestream, and the wetness between her legs could not be hidden. She immediately started to play with herself, and Ben could not resist. His penis had already shrunken up due to the estrogen coursing through his veins, but Abigail immediately tore her clothes off, and then his, and they made out and fed each other Impossible Whoppers until both of their chests had swollen to an unreal size. Then she stomped on his tiny balls and told him he made a much better woman than a man anyway, and then they had hot lesbian sex right there on the table full of Impossible Whopper wrappers, their monstrous tits smothering one another as they wrestled for dominance.

Burger King, have it your way.

Ricky Gervais, 58, Found Dead By Apparent Suicide After Completely Unrelated Roasting Of Hollywood Pedophile Elite

It’s a sad day in Hollywood. Popular comedian and host of the 2020 Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais, has passed away late Monday night. From an apparent suicide. Gervais was found hanging in his room, blindfolded, gagged, with his arms tied behind his back and his legs bound together. There were two unrelated gunshot wounds to the back of his head, which doctors ruled were already there and not the cause of death.

Ricky Gervais gave a rather scathing roast at the Golden Globes, picking on the wealthy Hollywood elite for their ties to Epstein, the rampant pedophilia and sexual harassment cases among Hollywood executives, and their ties to wealthy mega-corporations like Apple and Disney which are responsible for a number of crimes against humanity overseas. This is all completely unrelated to his tragic suicide that just happened to occur coincidentally right after.

I’m sure calling out all of Hollywood on live TV had nothing to do with it, since no one watches TV or cares about Hollywood anymore. And despite numerous people in the audience and in Hollywood as a whole having ties to Epstein, or having sexually predatory tendencies, I’m sure no one took it personally. It was all just a joke, and none of them are really pedophiles or anything. And again, completely unrelated.

It’s purely a coincidence that Leonardo DiCaprio only dates women in their teens and early 20’s. All of the Hollywood celebs and execs that have rode on Epstein’s Lolita Express? How do we know they just didn’t accidentally get matched up with him on Uber or something? I’m sure there’s explanations for all of it.

Remember to buy your Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars POP Figures. Some third-world country brown person slaved away at making it just for you. If you don’t buy it, they’re basically suffering for no reason aren’t they?

Rest in peace Ricky. Everything is okay now. You’re finally safe.

BREAKING: Trump Deploys Annoying Orange To Iran, Violating Geneva Convention And Committing Several War Crimes

World War III is now raging across the globe. There is no hope left for negotiations or peace talks. Iran is now amassing nuclear weapons, and America has made a swift effort to end the conflict before there’s any needless loss of American lives.

However, some fear that their latest move is yet another case of excessive force, as we saw during World War II with Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Trump has called for a powerful bioweapon to be used. The Annoying Orange.

The Orange has already torched several small villages, leveled a city to the ground, and slaughtered countless innocents. Including women and children. The Orange hasn’t spared a single life, except in the case of victims who would suffer greater physical and emotional pain by being left alive.

One Iranian civilian was left with their bones liquefied, writhing and gurgling screams of pain as he aspirated on his own blood, vomit, and liquefied bone matter. The Annoying Orange just laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. That’s all he ever does is laugh.

Iran is on the brink of collapse, but they’ve sworn to nuke all of their own territory to make sure The Orange goes down with them. If it escapes out into any neighboring countries, the entire world will not be safe.

Peace be upon you, Iran. Your sacrifice will not be in vain.

Prince Philip On Loose After Release From Hospital, First Bite Victim Comes Forward

Britain’s Prince Philip was released from the hospital in time for the holidays, and was allowed to spend time with the rest of the royal family for Christmas. But they may not be spending New Years together, at least not among the living.

On Christmas morning, we got reports that one of his attendants was bitten while trying to put his Christmas socks on. You know, the ones you always get as a gift from your parents that no one actually wears? They tried to make him wear them, and he didn’t like that.

The first bite victim unfortunately could not answer any questions because their skin is now peeling off and they’re foaming at the mouth. But authorities have been struggling to contain both them and Prince Philip himself.

As of right now, we’ve yet to hear anything more from the royal family, and local law enforcement have had a hard time keeping up communication with us. But the authorities have gotten the Special Tactics and Rescue Service involved to quarantine the United Kingdom and make sure this plague doesn’t extend to any other parts of the world.

No one is quite sure what kind of unspeakable disease Prince Philip may have developed. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever unholy black magic they’ve been using to keep him alive. Maybe it has something to do with Prince Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein sacrificing child sex slaves to Moloch. We’ll never truly know for sure.

All we know is that prayers are all we have in this darkest hour of humanity. Please God, have mercy on our souls.

Nancy Pelosi Will Pop Her Pussy On Senate Floor To Impeach Trump

Donald Trump’s impeachment has been all over the news lately. The Democrats have finally moved to impeach, and the House has ruled in favor of impeachment. There’s still the issue of pushing it through the Senate, which will prove to be tricky considering the GOP holds a majority.

But Nancy Pelosi still has one trick up her sleeve that she’s been saving for this exact moment. Her entire life has been leading up to this fateful stand-off, and she will put her entire life on the line to finish this battle. Nancy Pelosi will pop her pussy to impeach Trump.

This gorgeous brunette milf will sway the hearts and minds of the whole Senate with her body. She has been practicing for this, every day of her life. She does kegels constantly. She could peel an onion with her vagina muscles. Every Thanksgiving, she makes mashed potatoes from scratch by inserting them into her sopping wet slit.

Nancy Pelosi’s pussy doesn’t just pop, Nancy Pelosi’s pussy snaps and crackles too. She has such powerful and precise control over her muscles, she can fire projectiles from her coochie at lethal speeds. She could pitch an entire baseball game using only her cunt, and she wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Nancy Pelosi won’t just pop her pussy on the Senate floor, she currently has the articles of impeachment stored up there, and she will hand-deliver them right to the Senate. But with her vagina.

Drumpf is finally finished, once and for all. There’s no chance that he can survive this. The seven trumpets of the apocalypse have been sounded, by one mature, dark-haired angel. That’s right, Nancy quite literally blew seven trumpets with her vagina. That is how powerful she is.

This is not Orange Man’s America anymore. The future is female.

Just Because The House Voted To Impeach Trump, Doesn’t Mean The Senate Has Found A Peach Big Enough To Put Him In, Says Trump Advisor

Ever since the 2016 election, the Democrats have been pushing to get Trump impeached from office. And here we are, about to enter 2020, and they’ve finally done it. The House has ruled to impeach Trump. Orange Man is officially bad, it’s now on paper.

Or at least, that’s what the mainstream media has been pushing down everyone’s throats, with their narratives and ulterior motives. But the truth of the matter is, according to one of Trump’s advisors, that the impeachment still needs to go through the Senate. And they haven’t even found a big enough peach to put him in.

The record for the world’s largest peach only puts it at about three times the size of an average peach. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is 6’3″. There is no way he would be able to fit in it. They would need an exponentially larger peach to contain him, and at this current date nothing of that size has been found.

The resources needed to grow such a peach would be absurd, and we don’t even know if it’d even be possible. Are we really willing to spend taxpayer dollars on researching how to grow a 7 foot tall peach? Is that really what the Democrats want right now, when we should be embezzling money to Israel?

Sorry libtards, it’s just not gonna happen. Donald Trump will never be put inside a peach, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you don’t like it, we’ll ship you back over the border to California. America is Trump country now, and he is our president.

I Want To Impregnate Tulsi Gabbard

Please God, I want to impregnate Tulsi Gabbard so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins.

Tulsi Gabbard is beyond divine. I can’t help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection. I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment.

She’s so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides ice cubes down my gaping pisshole.

I want to fuck her like she owes me money. I would let her step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of her feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under her just to catch her drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from her shower drain just to smell her alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep her with me always. Or cock rings. Whichever would please her more.

God please, I would do anything for her. I would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on her feet so that I may warm her mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that she may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become her doorstep, so that she may wipe her heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don’t know what I’d do after that, or why she might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My queen, my goddess, the light of my life. Please God, let me have her. I want her to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from her fingers and fill her belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give her a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve her breakfast in bed. I would let her eat her eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased her, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste the seat of her car but once. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her, nothing I wouldn’t say. I would beat my own mother to death with my engorged penis if it would bring a smile to Tulsi’s shining face. I wouldn’t even let myself cum until she gave me permission.

I love you, Tulsi Gabbard. Please. Be mine. Be my wife, my lover, my everything. Say yes. I see it in your eyes, when you’re up there on that debate stage talking about Syria or whatever. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Tulsi. I’m waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

Shenron: “Dragon Balls Do Not Have Power To Impeach Trump”

The Democratic Party is back to square one now it seems in their quest to impeach President Donald Trump. There have been talks since 2016 of impeachment, and though they’ve been hard at work for the past few years, there still no results.

The latest plan seemed like it had just reached fruition, as Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton set off to collect the Dragon Balls and have Trump banished for good. But in a disappointing twist, the great dragon Shenron informed us that the Dragon Balls do not have the power to grant that wish.

Shenron has refused to cooperate with the impeachment case, and sources say Shenron himself may have ties to Russia.

An anonymous whistle-blower has leaked that Shenron allegedly granted a wish to Vladimir Putin to have Crimea. Clearly this wish worked, because Crimea was annexed and we all just kinda let that happen. Not even a drone strike.

The Democratic Party is now seeking to have Shenron himself impeached, and they’ve proposed that Bill Clinton take the seat instead.

Shenron has yet to comment on these allegations.

Greta Thunberg Takes Aim At Goku And Friends: “Stop Destroying Planets”

Greta Thunberg has captured the entire globe’s attention, telling world leaders around the Americas and Europe but definitely not China to straighten up their act and finally take some decisive action against climate change. The kid prodigy has bravely done what no one else had the balls to do, and now she’s set her sights on an even greater goal.

“Earth is only the beginning, we should be protecting every planet in the universe. How many times are we going to blow up Planet Namek? We cannot rely on the Dragon Balls forever, they can’t fix everything. They have limits.” said Thunberg, in a stunning call-out of Earth’s so-called “heroes”.

According to NASA findings, Earth will be a barren husk of rock and dust if Goku and/or Vegeta get into one more fight, with each other or some other monstrosity. They are solely responsible for destroying more mountains, forests, and land masses than any country, and have left more smoldering craters in Earth and many other planets than a meteor shower.

The findings only get worse when you factor in that it was uncovered in the recent FBI probe that Goku has ties with Frieza, former self-instated universal fascist emperor. Frieza has destroyed multiple planets on his own, and Goku was apparently well aware of this fact before teaming up with and aligning himself with fascism.

“The planet can’t take anymore of these fights. If we allow the toxic masculinity and culture of war that these white men perpetuate, there won’t be any home for my generation and the ones after us.” Thunberg said in a United Nations climate change conference.

Goku has yet to respond, but the UN has voted unanimously to bar Goku from fighting ever again, and has appointed the much less destructive Yamcha to be Earth’s defender.

6ix9ine Testifies That Light Yagami Is Kira

Infamous rapper 6ix9ine has been snitching on everyone since his trial began, naming a number of big names like Cardi B and Trippie Redd as gang members. It seems no one has been safe from his testimony.

The latest bizarre twist? 6ix9ine, full name Daniel Hernandez, has just revealed that the infamous serial killer Kira is in fact ordinary Japanese student Light Yagami, son of the chief of police.

Investigators are going over the evidence now, but the notion seems absurd. An upstanding young student with such a bright future, capable of killing massive swaths of people without ever leaving his house? The resemblance, however, does seem uncanny.

6ix9ine, who was facing over 40 years in prison, may be looking at under a year now thanks to ratting on all of his former associates. The snitching does not seem to have any end in sight, and though the judge has said that Hernandez has named enough people, he just keeps talking.

We will keep this story updated as the trial develops.

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